You know when relatives are ill, and you know the full ins and outs. You get to feel the loss in a much deeper and more painful way than when you are young I think. I know I certainly do/am.
My gran was diagnosed with breast cancer at the start of this year. It has now spread to her bones (and the docs think to her lungs and liver as well). There is basically nothing they can do for her and its just a matter of time.
There are so many thoughts going through my head at the moment and its so hard to actually speak about because I just want to cry everytime I try to put it into words. I want to scream and shout about how unfair life can be sometimes.
She is my last remaining grandparent. I guess I have been luckier than some people in that I have known all of my grandparents and I have great and fond memories of them. But...now. I just feel so......well so many things. Its all happened so quickly and nan has never been an ill person, its hard to see her lying in a hospital bed and I can't quite get my head round it.
Every second of every day I will the phone not to ring. I get a cold chill through my body whenever it does.
I'm worried for my mum, my aunt, and myself about whether this is something that could now run in our family. I worry that nan is in pain (she doesn't seem to be at the moment thankfully). I feel bad when I go to see her as I feel a slight dread before hand as I never quite know how she is going to be or how she will look. I feel guilty that I don't get to see her enough because by the time work finishes and I get there, visiting will be over. I feel angry and upset that she will never see me get married, or meet my children when I have them. I wonder if she will see me turn 30. And then I feel guilty for thinking about her not being here, and grieving for things that will be lost before they even have been.