I went out with Dime last night�it resulted in an argument of massive proportions and us on the verge of breaking up. The thing is now I�m not so sure how long it�ll be before it actually happens.
Things started off OK I thought..we talked about me shouting at him on the phone on Wednesday night and as we talked he realised that I was talking even more garbage than normal and nothing about the conversation made sense so that was fine. We had a drink, we went to Pizza Express and admittedly I wasn�t particularly great on the conversation front but I had already warned him that would be the case because of the joviality�s of the night before.
Then he went quiet�almost sulky�and did a Clair - I am queen of the �What�s wrong?� �Nothing, just tired� � but he, well he took further and did it for about an hour and a half. So I gave up asking and left him alone for a while to find that when I came back my mobile phone (which was on charge) had miraculously leapt from my bedside unit and onto the floor, but in the process had unlocked itself (the keypad was locked) and flicked through the menu options to get to my text message Inbox�now call me paranoid if you will but I think that someone was checking up on me to see what messages were in there and who they were from.
So eventually he starts the interrogation:
- Do you want to be with me?
- Are you seeing someone else?
- You don�t seem very excited about me taking you to Australia..you never want to plan it or talk about it and you haven�t bothered getting a brochure
- You don�t make me feel special
- This is petty but you never buy me any little presents when you�re out shopping�I�ve bought you loads of stuff
- It seems like you can go out with your mates but when it comes to seeing me you can�t be bothered
- You�re always seem to be tired
- You haven�t wanted to go anywhere near me for the last couple of weeks..you act like I�ve got some disease and you don�t want to catch whatever it is I have
- I get the feeling I�m low down on your list of priorities
- You act like your trying to hang on to your independence and don�t really want a relationship
I couldn�t believe what I was hearing, and then he honestly didn�t get why I was upset�erm�dur! Lets see, in argument to your allegations:
- I wouldn�t be with you if I didn�t.
- No I�m not.
- You had to speak to work about your contract and whether you could get the time off. What�s the point of rushing out and planning anything until we know whether or not we can go and when.
- I�m sorry for that but I can�t give you my undivided attention 24-7. And then I started thinking�what if we stayed together and did the marriage and kids thing like he has talked about before and I am running around after ankle-biters and am knackered at the end of the day and don�t make him feel special�what then?
- Maybe not, but what about the hundreds of pounds I spent on you for your birthday a few weeks back buying you clothes that you wanted, and aftershave that you love, and spending fuck-loads on a silver cigarette lighter which I had engraved for you, that you apparently like so much but yet I never see you use it. I apologise if I don�t go shopping and see stoopid toys (like jelly-bean pooing cows) and think �yeah, Dime would like that�.
- Erm�hello�I went out one night this week with my bessie mate�yeah coz I�m always out with my mates all the time. Last week I went precisely nowhere�all week.
- I�m sorry�I was knackered last week. It happens. I�m not super-human.
- Does anyone have an never-ending sex drive I can borrow please?!!!!
- My other priorities being my family and my friends�..of course that makes him SOOOO low down�not.
- Damn right I�m hanging on to my independence. I learnt that the hard way from my first serious boyfriend at 17 who controlled everything I did. Where I went, who I hung out with, what I wore etc etc�I didn�t know better at the time but I learnt when we broke up and I had to try and rebuild the lost friendships and me�most of all I lost me and I�m not prepared to do that again. It�s not that I don�t want a relationship I�m just off the state of mind where I will not allow my world to fall apart if it goes wrong. Is wanting to protect myself such a bad thing?
The thing is we�ve been together 4 months, but it is quite clear that he doesn�t trust me (he�s admitted that one anyway) and that he doesn�t always believe what I say to him. I don�t know where this is heading and I�m not sure I know what to do. We parted on speaking terms last night but something shifted in me last night. Maybe I�m over-reacting but I felt like this guy who claims to be totally in love with me doesn�t actually want to accept me the way I am. I feel shitty today and although I was pretty calm by the time he left last night the more I play-back in my head the things that were said the angrier I get.
Anyway, I�ve had my moan�if you�re still here go read the entry before�its much more interesting!